There is a moment when your mind can no longer carry everything it has been holding in silence. For a long time, I believed I was managing. I had learned how to hide my fear, how to move through life without showing what was happening inside me. From the outside, everything seemed fine. I was studying, living abroad twice (in South Korea), continuing with my life.
Until one day, an incident with a Japanese girl, my ex-roommate, happened. She started bothering me, doing things that made me uncomfortable, so that I would leave the room and she could keep it. I endured it until she accused me of strangling her. I told the director that if I had strangled her like she claimed, there should be marks. There were no marks, and we were both separated, leaving the room empty. After that incident, which happened in December 2018, I moved out of the university dormitory and started living on my own. After what I experienced with her, I was left with a deep fear that someone could try to harm me without me even realizing it.
At the same time, there were reports in South Korea about perverts installing hidden cameras in women’s bathrooms, and even landlords secretly recording tenants. That definitely altered my psyche. I began to believe — and at times I felt it was happening — that my landlord was fumigating the apartment when I wasn’t home, because on certain occasions my back would burn. On my first day at work, I felt so dizzy that I thought I was going to die. I confronted him, and it stopped happening, or at least it happened less frequently. I lived there for a year (2019).
Later, I moved in with an Ecuadorian girl and a Malaysian girl (2020). That period felt like a moment of peace for me because COVID arrived, and I allowed myself to slow down and rest mentally. However, my fears were still there.
At some point (2021), the landlord asked me to host a woman from the Philippines. This older woman turned my peaceful life into a nightmare. Remember the fear I had about someone harming me without me realizing it? She made that fear feel real. So many things happened that I prefer not to mention them, so they cannot be used against me.
And that is when the delusion started.
I began to feel disconnected from reality in a way I had never experienced before. There was no clear line between what was real and what my mind was creating.
I was losing control.
Emotionally, I was exhausted. Mentally, I was overwhelmed. Physically, my body felt like it had been in a constant state of tension.
Looking back now, I can see that it wasn’t just one moment. It was the result of everything I had been carrying for too long — without help, without treatment, without understanding.
That breaking point wasn’t the end.
It was the moment that made me realize I needed help. Unfortunately, I rely on my ex-boyfriend… and moved to the Netherlands.
marimo 