Unfortunately, I ended up moving in with my ex-partner. It took me some time to decide whether to return to Ecuador or stay four more months living with him before going back to my country. He knew the mental state I was in after everything I had gone through in Korea, and even so, we decided to live together.
Now, looking back with more clarity, I think the healthiest thing would have been to return to Ecuador first, stay with my family, stabilize emotionally, take my medication, and only then make important decisions about the relationship. But at that time, I still wanted to believe that love could hold everything together (how naive of me).
I arrived in the Netherlands with many dreams: building a family, adopting a puppy, and working in my field. But reality ended up being far more complex and chaotic, especially after losing our baby during the first trimester. Yes, I got pregnant by a man who was actually relieved when I lost the baby.
During that period, I started developing suspicions and thoughts that made me feel insecure and confused. I believed he had caused the loss of the baby and that he was being unfaithful to me. Some things I may never be able to prove whether they were real or not, but what I do know is that emotionally, I was in a very vulnerable state.
What hurt me the most was feeling that he was never completely honest with me about what he wanted for his life and for our relationship. I kept trying, studying Dutch, and holding on to hope for a future together, while everything seemed to be silently falling apart.
The relationship ended in the coldest way possible: through an email. He said he was afraid of me. And that destroyed me, because I was actually the one who often felt afraid within the relationship. Even so, I still loved him. And that combination of love and fear became addictive and incredibly difficult to let go of and heal from.
I returned to Ecuador with my dreams and illusions shattered. Honestly, starting over from scratch without savings was difficult: finding an apartment, looking for a job, healing my heart, and learning how to become resilient.
Thanks to my studies, I managed to get a job at a university while starting psychiatric medication that did not help me at all. So after four months, I stopped taking it because doctors discovered a benign brain tumor called a prolactinoma. The medication was worsening the tumor’s symptoms.
Later on, I will share how I ended up losing my job after being hospitalized in a mental health facility.
marimo 