It started a few months (May) before I traveled to South Korea (September 2013). I was with a guy for the first time. And even though something inside me felt uncomfortable, I couldn’t say the words “I don’t want this” or “can we stop?” I let it continue. But my mind had already begun to interpret it in a different way.
The change was immediate and dramatic. I became hypervigilant around men, even in simple interactions. My body was tense. My mind was constantly scanning, on alert, as if something wasn’t safe — even when nothing was happening. It wasn’t rational.
I developed a specific fear directed toward men’s bodies, toward something that had once been completely normal to me. Suddenly, it became a source of discomfort, rejection, and anxiety. If my eyes drifted by accident, I immediately felt guilt.
From the outside, it could have been misunderstood. Someone might think I was looking with desire. But internally, it was the opposite.
It was fear.
It was shame.
marimo 